Mama's Tough Decision

Here I sit, writing at my parents computer where I previously lived for six months (Jan-June '07) while I awaited my move to Honduras. My parents have been great at letting us stay here and once again they are housing us while we are in transition. They have even taken my old cat in and fattened him up real good. He's the spoiled grandcat that now gets fed canned cat food.

I'm sure the #1 question is - well, are you ever going back to Honduras? That was my question from the moment I landed in MN. Climate wise I had hit an all time low in my tolerance of heat and humidity in Honduras that I didn't think I'd ever be able to get back on a plane to return. But those feelings did fade. At least the exhaustion from dealing with and hiding from the climate anyway. So, I'm sorry that I've been so long to write about this, but you know, I have been flip-flopping all over the place and just didn't know how to write. I've really been a mess about everything.

The short answer to the above question is. No, I'm not going back -at least not right now anyway.

I haven't really known how to address this publicly without feeling like I am being a bit too personal. I want to respect my husband and his feelings in all of this too. It was the hardest decision I think I've ever had to wrestle with. Making the decision to marry and stand by my husband while he went through immigration issues wasn't difficult for me. Quitting a very good job, selling my home, pretty much all my belongings and my car to move down to Honduras didn't feel hard. It felt like an adventure and one that I wanted to take with my husband. I loved him and felt committed to him. I never went about it thinking that it would all be cake, but I felt like I went about it with a positive optimistic outlook. Any and everything felt possible to me.

Getting to Honduras after our long separation was heaven to me. I had visited twice during that time, once with the kids, so I felt like I was doing all the things to help prepare myself to know what I was getting into. Once we finally moved we were in the honeymoon stage. The heat, the humidity, the pollution, or anything else that felt uncomfortable wasn't going to get to me. I was finally where I had waited and worked for the past 5 years to get to. That stage lasted a few months and then...well it ended, of course. There was no more honeymoon.

I think it was harder on my husband and ultimately on our marriage than he and I anticipated. I had been supporting myself and the kids for years and I was used to the stress and knew how to take care of and deal with things as needed. I also had my family nearby and friends around to give me emotional support and breaks every so 0ften too. I had a safe and secure support system in place in MN. That secure support system was not in place in Honduras for us and both my husband nor I knew how to go about carving out time and space that husbands and wives need. Instead the marriage started to fracture under pressure and ultimately I think we both didn't know how to support and meet each others needs and instead we turned on each other.

Making ends meet is one thing but here my husband was also under pressure to take care of so many things that I was incapable of helping with and it was thrown on him basically over night! I was dealing with a loss of independence and frustration feeling a bit isolated and resentment building by the day.

Then the baby happened. What to do? Stay in Honduras in an already stressed situation - I asked myself. All the things that I mentioned that could have bothered me earlier were now full blown frustrations that I felt I couldn't deal with properly. Hiding away in a bedroom that has the only AC wasn't good for my mental health and I worried about having a baby to deal with too in this situation. A baby doesn't need a stressed out unhappy mother. The other kids were already having to deal with things too. Mommy and papi fighting and unhappy most of the time. It didn't seem fair to subject the kids to it.

So I chose to take control of what I can and remain in MN. I've been a single mom for years previously so even though I know it's extremely difficult, I've gone this route before and know that with God I can handle things.

This decision still feels very fresh and I have moments throughout each day that I want to throw in the towel and get on a plane and return to Honduras. Come what may because I have moments of "freak out" because I feel overwhelmed thinking about staying in MN. I'm starting over with basically the clothes we brought with us from Honduras with only some keepsakes still in Honduras. I do miss my husband and as difficult as it was, I do miss Honduras too in many, many ways.

I've been hitting as many garage sales as possible the past few weeks. Right now I've been mostly buying up baby items and cold weather clothes for the kids. Brother has been enjoying putting on his new snow boots. Sister has a new winter coat and both the kids have snow pants now. Warm pj's too. I've bought up some fall/winter maternity clothes and today I bought a used beat up dresser because there just isn't enough closet space. I hope to paint it eventually. I am the second hand queen!

Also, to take advantage of this time I decided that I will finally finish a class that I need for my degree. Back when I was completing my degree I thought I had finished all the required classes and found a great job working for a top company. Soon after I found out that there was a hiccup with a grade requirement in a core class for my degree that I was not aware of. Oops. That semester of taking too many classes came back to bite me. Since I had already got a good job I decided to move forward with my career and not go back to repeat the class. Now I'm in a position that I think I can finally retake that class. Yay! Because of the pregnancy and my emotional mess that I am in, I don't know that I feel comfortable trying to find a career type job anyway. I will probably try to find some part-time work while I'm taking the class. The class will end in Dec and I'm due December 26th which will leave me in a position to take some time with the new baby after the class ends. Sound like a plan?

I'm taking one day, one thing at a time. My next thing on my agenda is to buy a car, find a part-time job and then find someplace to live. I'd really like to have a place of my own before winter and the baby. I found a resource too that helps families furnish homes if you meet the income requirements and I'm sure I'll get lots of "donations" too when needed from friends and family. I really have never felt so blessed and loved by those close to me the past few months. I am amazed at how understanding and supportive my friends and family are. I have really struggled with feelings of being a failure and a quitter and you can throw shame in there too.

Papa has been really struggling too. He misses us terribly, but he has been very supportive. He understands and we talk about things as best we can. It's hard over the phone. He is trying to keep himself busy. I am very proud that he has decided to return to school starting in a few weeks there in San Pedro Sula.

I know it's difficult for him. I miss him not only for me, but for our son. They have such a good relationship and regardless of our marriage problems, he's a great dad and a learning step-dad. So keep him in your prayers too.

One thing I am contemplating is taking a trip to Honduras maybe next month once Sister starts school with Brother to see his papi. I was wanting to go visit too once the baby is born and all the paperwork and passports are in order. Maybe in March? I don't know how I would pay for any of that, but I also feel like I need to go back there for a visit now for some reason while I can still travel during the pregnancy. Does that sound crazy?

I don't know what the future holds for us. It would be my first desire to repair my marriage and live together as a family. Is it possible to repair things long distance? I don't know. I don't know what it will take for me to move back, but I want everyone to know it has less to do with Honduras than one might think. I believe that a good and happy life is possible in Honduras regardless of all its troubles. So if anyone wants to say something completely negative and attack me, my decision or my life - it will be ignored. It is my life and I write about it publicly, yes, but I only write to keep things real. This is real and the struggles are real and very emotional for me.

If anyone has any constructive insight - I am all ears...err eyes (for reading).