I can't sleep. Every night I'm up tossing and turning asking myself what I'm doing in MN. I'm getting very anxious here alone with the kids in my parents house and getting to the point of freak out. I think the early part of the pregnancy tainted everything bad and ugly. I felt just sick enough to have that "get me out of here" feeling. So now I question everything. Is it pregnancy? Is it feeling overwhelmed to try and "make it" alone? Where do I stand in my marriage? As it was asked - what is keeping me from going back to Honduras if it's not the country? Still searching.
For all those who want to know...there is joy in my heart even in the midst. God is blessing me with another baby GIRL! Oh, the name hunt has begun. Baby's tia came by the other day with a literal huge shopping bag full of pretty little girl clothes! All the pink and the pretty little dresses seemed surreal. Could I really be having a girl? It's still sinking in. It is strange to think of having a girl again. So many of my friends have had boys the past few years including my sister who has 3 boys.
I couldn't wait to find out. There is just so much other unknown in my life right now. I found out with both my other kids. I don't know if women in Honduras do or don't find out typically. I didn't know that many pregnant mommies there. Our neighbor did have a baby shower before she delivered and it was very boyish with blue balloons, etc. - so I'm guessing she knew. But I don't know what the norm is there. It seems to me that more and more people I know in the states that are pregnant are finding out. But maybe I just think that because most of the people I know have wanted to find out if they need to buy blue or pink.
I tried to scan the ultrasound photos, but something is not hooked up right with the scanner and the printer. Sorry suegra :(
Some of the pregnancy funny things that have been going on lately is that I've been really having to work at keeping hydrated. I have had what was thought could have been a teeny tiny kidney stone. I thought I had a bad bladder infection, but no infection showed up and then I had kidney pain to go along with it. We concluded that I am just not staying hydrated enough because sure enough if I'm not drinking water from morning until night I start to get kidney pain and in fact I start to have little contractions. One night it really scared me because they wouldn't go away for a few hours even after I drank a lot of water. As the docs described - the uterus is like a big muscle and if it doesn't have water it will start to contract. So I have to down the water even when I don't feel thirsty.
Another funny baby thing is that this being my third pregnancy my muscles are weaker and so don't want to hold baby up as well leaving me feeling much more of the weight of the baby. I told my mom that I feel like I'm walking around with a fish tank in my belly - that is what it feels like anyway. She said I basically was. Ha! I think this lack of muscle support also is putting more pressure on my arteries if I'm in the wrong position. I figured out that I cannot sit in deep bucket-like seats or I get light headed or if I lay on my back. The other funny thing is that if I sleep on my right side my left hand will fall asleep. huh?